Did I ever mention Lucy? I have been living with her for so long now and we don’t get along. I have given her up at least four times but somehow I am still here with her. I am weak of course but she is weaker and that weakness is her power.
I have just got up, I have showered and am sitting on the settee wondering where all this is going. Looking back it has been a continuous cycle of rows, usually silent, stand offs, reconciliation and explosive making up in bed. That is my weakness.
We are like a match and matchbox one needing to rub the other the right way to explode into flame. Here she comes now, I fidget with the strewn papers on the settee as though I am tidying up and she is prattling along in her usual way about whether we should meet for lunch. I try not to look at her because what I said yesterday was so final. “Lucy, this is not working” I said, and she cried as she normally does. I tried to be strong but I am not like that, I am weak. And who wants to sleep on the floor when there is perfectly good double bed waiting for you.
I need my sleep so I say to myself. That is a lie of course because I know that as soon I get into bed I will find she is not wearing a stitch and she will wrap me up in hers arms and I will have lost again.
I lie a lot. We do have another bed in the apartment. It is my bed. It is never used. Even the first day that she invited me to stay over several months after her husband Jack had died I never used it then. The family thought I was there to look after her. Was I looking after her!
Jack was my older brother. I loved Lucy the first time Jack brought her home to show her off to the family. I didn’t realise it then but when she looked at me all those years ago she must have thought “Oops! I have chosen the wrong brother”. But then just as now she was weak and couldn’t reverse the tide.
She is standing close to me now, she has bare legs and her pretty feet are so close I could eat them up. She knows that, she knows me well, we have that affinity, we love each other but we shouldn’t or should we?