Sunday, April 10, 2011

Introspection


Have you noticed that even on the darkest night you can still see something in all the blackness? You know, vague shadows, deeper tones of grey contrasting with the black, or is it just my mind?
I was dead tired. What an appropriate phrase to use. However despite my need to have my eyes closed there was also that need to have them open too. I like to know what’s going on. I am always aware, on the look out in the darkness. I am not your usual old fogey, all befuddled with age. Why can’t I give in, let go, throw in the towel?
No, I am always alert; waiting. In all those unfathomable shadows near to pitch black as one could imagine, I feel as if I am being watched. Now I am an old man, I have seen everything, certainly everything I need to see. Well almost everything and what I haven’t seen I can imagine. As I did just then.
“I know you are there. You don’t frighten me.” Was that really me saying that or was that bravado on my part in the likely face of an intruder, after God knows what. What have I got to steal, except my memories perhaps? And what of those, who would want them? I haven’t made up my mind whether they are valuable or not. Can you sell a heap of rubbish?
There was a slight chuckle in the darkest corner of the room, or where I thought the corner was. “I was told you would be difficult”. A voice whispered. “Don’t worry I haven’t come for you, I am just sizing you up”.
“I thought that is what undertakers do.” I replied. “So you are the advance party are you?” I tried to discern a shape, a movement in the Stygian gloom.
This time he laughed outright.
“Have you thought that your life was better than you thought it was?" Did he say that or did I? If he said it I would have to agree with him. But if I said it I would argue with myself and say I hated every time that I made a mistake; every opportunity I missed; every time I never said I love you to whoever I loved at that time and was too vain to bare my soul, to show my true self.
“No, you can stay a little while longer” he said, "You still have a lot of work to do."
And so I had.
Yes, the room was certainly empty now, except for me that is. I didn’t need eyes to know that.

17 comments:

  1. Those 3am introspections..oh yes, you have described it so well..that darkness inside fighting the light..so hard to battle when you're tired and feel old..and yet those memories are gold-dust..not 'rubbish' and they have yet to be spun into priceless stories..so yes, a lot more to be done..Jae ;)

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  2. We can let the "what if"s over whelm us during the night, but with every new sunrise there are a hundred opportunities! You are a blessing to those around you and there is ever more work to do...before that day of rest.

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  3. Taking stock is so important! I love how you reflected on your life. Now, I'm thinking about mine. Very effective, this piece!

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  4. It's great to be led to thinking up one's own introspection. I'm just not sure I'll be brave as you getting anywhere near undertakers. But I love the way you wove this. Helps clear the cobwebs off my befuddled head.

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  5. Awesome introspection! I suspect that most people, or at least those with at least a speck of intelligence, feel much the same by the time we reach this age. There will always be regrets... more regarding what we didn't do than what we did, but hopefully there is also a treasure-trove of memories to make us smile. I loved the way you wrote this, you are an awesome writer!

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  6. Ah yes, a great piece here. The ability to weave the fear of the dark, the end of life and a little reprieve at the end. This is what everyone will go through at some point and time, I'm sure.

    Great work, loved the verbal exchange as well!

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  7. Luminous and slightly scary- I fully enjoyed it!

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  8. Thank you for the wonderfully encouraging blog comment, oldegg! I'm just now venturing out of my comfort zone of family and friends into the general blogging world, and your positive feedback means a lot. I really enjoy your writing here!

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  9. Dead Good! I think you said it all!!!

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  10. Love this:
    If he said it I would have to agree with him. But if I said it I would argue with myself

    It makes a clear, vivid point, with no waste. Very nice.

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  11. This is wonderful, oldegg. What a beautiful way to describe introspection.:-)
    It's what I often do and that's my secret too (since you were wondering about it).
    Well..thanks for your comments. It's really to see you.

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  12. You let me flow in your stories and I like it while I'm here! I hope you're doing well OldEgg. Missed you on my SS entry this week. Have a great week!

    And hey, I hope you take part in my 'Friends Meetup Party' this Thursday on my blog :) I'll be looking forward to having you there :)

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  13. I'm glad you "still have a lot of work to do."

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  14. As am I! We work out so much in our poems, don't we? And that 3 am airing of dreams and desires, no stranger to that am I.

    This was haunted a bit, in a deliciously creepy way. I liked it a lot, Robin!
    Amy
    http://sharplittlepencil.wordpress.com/2011/04/11/maybe-now-pa-npwm-11/

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  15. I often get these feelings and could not quite figure them out. Your writing shines a light so that I may see.

    Thanks for sharing.

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